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When we get a placement, we leave it up to each child what they will call us. We introduce ourselves by using our first names. After that, it is up the child what to call us (I guess within reason-no foul language). Every child that has came through our home has called us Mom and Dad. Yes, I know people have very different opinions about this. When we first get a placement, and they choose to call us Mom and Dad, I always receive questions concerning this from friends, family, acquaintances and others. Ex: How does that make my children feel? Isn’t that confusing for the child? Is that unhealthy for the child? How is that child going to feel when they have to leave you? How does that affect the relationship with their bio families?
To my children, this is normal. Fostering is a family choice for us. I think it is how your family views fostering and how you present it to your children. Remember, everyone has their own thoughts and feels.
I could see how this could be confusing for a child but the whole experience is confusing and traumatic for any child. Being removed from their home, belongings, parents, possible siblings, school, friends or anything familiar and comforting is confusing.
Personally, I don’t think it is unhealthy for the child. What I think can be more damaging is having them call you, Mrs. Smith, Ms. Lanette or Lanette and not allowing them to call you Mom and Dad, if they, so choose. I have asked other foster parents why they didn’t allow it. More or less for the same reasons listed above and my favorite: It’s easier with disciplining. When my 14 year old foster son or my 12 year old foster daughter had discipline problems, it didn’t make it hardier to me because they called me Mom.
When that child leaves us they know that we love them. Whether a month or a year, you have made a huge difference in their life. Most of these children have never seen or been part a normal family. To call you Mom and Dad gives them a sense of belonging, security, peace, being loved, part of a family, and acceptance.
With most bio families it is a problem for them personally. I can’t change that. It is what is best for that child at the time.
We are called foster parents, not foster care givers. Parents, in most case are called Mom and Dad, so why should it be different for fostering. The title of Mom for me is a honor, whether it’s from my biological daughter, adopted son and daughter and/or foster son or daughter.
“In this life we get only those things for which we hunt, for which we strive, and for which we are willing to sacrifice.” Author George Matthew Adams
Very good article, with very good points! I enjoyed reading it!
Thank you for reading and commenting. Merry Christmas!!
The first time I set eyes on my (now) son, as a foster care placement, he called me “the Mommy.” That extra article about broke my heart! He had been through so many homes, “Mommy” was a function, not a person.
Thankfully, it was his last stop; we adopted him three years later. His birthmother strenuously objected when the kids started calling me “Mom,” until I took her aside and reminded her that we needed to work as a team to get them through this. “No one else can be their birthmom,” I said. “But I am their mom, too — their FOSTER Mom. I take that very seriously — and your kids are better off because of it.”
Eventually she came around. I know it was hard for her, but she understood that her kids had a better situation than most kids who go into foster care. And that I would always honor the role she had in their lives: the one who chose to give them life.
http://www.catholicmom.com/saxton.htm
Thank you for sharing your experience, hsaxton.
When we first started fostering we had no idea what to call ourselves. Our first placement was with a 13 month old boy and followed by an 18 month old 5 months later. They both called us by our first name until the 13 month old was almost 2 and we realized that we were going to adopt him. so we changed to mommy and daddy and the other boy followed suit. Since then, other kids have called us mommy and daddy (we have young ones, under 18 months) so we just start off with mommy and daddy becuase it seems to fit. Although we do get a lot of looks from friends and family when doing this b/c it’ll confuse them. Thanks for writing this article!
Also – what do they call grandparents, aunts and uncles?
It was my pleasure writing this article. Thank you for reading and leaving a comment. It depends on the person and how they feel about our foster children. Must of the time they call them the same names my children do (ex:Pops, Granny, Uncle Paul, KK for Aunt Kathy). I will write about extend family and how that works, soon.
I am an adult foster/adoptee. I called all of my foster parents mom and dad. It made it easier on me. I felt like I belonged to that family even if it was for a short while. My brothers were adopted before I was by their foster families… and I call them mom and dad. They called my a-parents mom and dad. I called all my fosters siblings, brother and sister, it made sense especially to a small child.
Thank you for reading and giving us a viewpoint for a foster/adoptee.
We specialized in teens, usually drug and alcohol long-term placement. We allowed either first names or Mom and Dad. Our rationale: Mom and Dad can be someone who are at your Christmas concert, help you with that late night English assignment, are there when you cry. They also have a mother and a father, those are the people involved in bringing you in the world – some were also a mom and dad to the best of their ability, most were not.
Thank you for reading and commenting on your personal experiences. Have a Merry Christmas.