One difficult part of foster parenting is telling your foster children devastating and life changing news. I have been told by others that this is not my job that it should come from the caseworker or CASA worker. The reasoning behind this thought is that you as the foster mom will be “the bad guy”. This way they will not be mad at you and you can be the one that provides comfort.

In the beginning, I thought that made sense and would be helpful. After gaining some experience, you learn the reality of it. Some caseworkers do not want to be the bearer of bad news, so it is left up to the foster parents to handle. In time I realized that was not a bad thing.

Is it easier to hear devastating news from someone that you have a relationship with such as a foster parent versus a caseworker that see the child once a month for ten minutes if the child is lucky?

A foster child learned that his mother’s rights had been terminated by his caseworker (to the point and matter of fact). I knew the child did not understand or process what his caseworker had told him several months ago. The minute came when he demanded to see his mom and to go back home. I told him that his caseworker had told him about his mom. He stated, “She does not even know me. She does not see me. I do not believe her.” I talked to the caseworker and told her that she needs to explain things about his mom again to him. She felt she had done her part and that was the end of it. I sit down in the floor and explained (best as I could) what happened with his mom. That he would not being returning home. He fell to the floor in the fetal position screaming and crying (that wounded cry). Then he went into a tantrum kicking, hitting, screaming and crying. At that point, he understood.

Over time, I have become the one to give my foster children devastating news. This is the hardest part of fostering to be the one who is changing that child’s life forever. They do find comfort in the arms of a person that loves them (the foster mom). This is one of the areas I dread most besides saying good bye. It does not get easier in time; the little faces change and stories are more or less the same.

Related articles at adoption.com:

The Grieving Child in Care

Fears