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07/11/07
Who Pays the Price?
Posted by : Lanette in Foster Care Blog at 11:38 pm , 546 words, 503 views
Categories: Pains and Struggles
Categories: Pains and Struggles
Biological mothers choosing to take drugs while pregnant have had a great impact on my family as both adoptive and foster. I am raising one “meth” adopted toddler and fostering a toddler girl that we are in the process of adopting. This week we were hit with the fact the doctors believe that she has some form of autism. Add that to her being a “meth” baby as the doctor stated that she is a high risk adoptive placement and will have some major issues as she gets older. This is not something any parent wants to hear.
I look back in my rear view mirror and see my two beautiful toddler daughters, feeling so overwhelmed with different emotions. I look in their faces knowing that the struggles that they face will only get more difficult as the years go by all because of drugs that their biological mothers took. They deserved more.
Neither one of these toddlers were the first children born to these unfit biological mothers. Sadly, they most likely will not be the last. These girls were damaged because their biological mothers did not give a flying leap about them. They were only concerned about getting their next high.
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A large part of me is horrified that the family reunification is even a possibility to drug addict mothers that have done lasting life changing damage to these babies before they even have a chance to take their first breath. We have become a society that disregards, throws away children and even babies in the name of the parents rights.
There are laws that make it illegal to abuse your spouse, which gets you arrested. With children you have to do some serious damage. I have even known of parents that have broken their child’s bone and they did not get arrested. But if that was a teacher, foster parent, baby sitter, etc., they would be arrested right away. It seems that children are possessions that biological parents can do with them what the blue blazes they want.
I read in my foster daughter’s paperwork concerning the biological mother’s talking with someone (not connected with CPS) about her parenting and other problems. In this, she was asked what she sees as the problem and what would she change. She replied, “I would not change anything I have done.” Oh my…..(breath)…she has lost three children to the foster care system and two they know have serious issues.
Some of the so called parents do not give a rat’s "patootie” about their children or the damage they have done to them. Oh…but..oh,oh, these “parents” deserve counseling, parenting classes, resources, yada, yada, yada. The truth is that a lot of them deserve jail cells for the abuse they have done to their children.
The system is not going to change until we put children first for a change. Why is it okay to have different standards for hurting your spouse than your child? I hear some say that “we” need to teach other countries about parent and child relationships. We do not have a clue about this.
More reading:
What is the Priorty Children or Drugs?
Effects of A Mother's Choices
Is Parenting a Right or a Privilege?
I look back in my rear view mirror and see my two beautiful toddler daughters, feeling so overwhelmed with different emotions. I look in their faces knowing that the struggles that they face will only get more difficult as the years go by all because of drugs that their biological mothers took. They deserved more.
Neither one of these toddlers were the first children born to these unfit biological mothers. Sadly, they most likely will not be the last. These girls were damaged because their biological mothers did not give a flying leap about them. They were only concerned about getting their next high.
SPONSOR
A large part of me is horrified that the family reunification is even a possibility to drug addict mothers that have done lasting life changing damage to these babies before they even have a chance to take their first breath. We have become a society that disregards, throws away children and even babies in the name of the parents rights.
There are laws that make it illegal to abuse your spouse, which gets you arrested. With children you have to do some serious damage. I have even known of parents that have broken their child’s bone and they did not get arrested. But if that was a teacher, foster parent, baby sitter, etc., they would be arrested right away. It seems that children are possessions that biological parents can do with them what the blue blazes they want.
I read in my foster daughter’s paperwork concerning the biological mother’s talking with someone (not connected with CPS) about her parenting and other problems. In this, she was asked what she sees as the problem and what would she change. She replied, “I would not change anything I have done.” Oh my…..(breath)…she has lost three children to the foster care system and two they know have serious issues.
Some of the so called parents do not give a rat’s "patootie” about their children or the damage they have done to them. Oh…but..oh,oh, these “parents” deserve counseling, parenting classes, resources, yada, yada, yada. The truth is that a lot of them deserve jail cells for the abuse they have done to their children.
The system is not going to change until we put children first for a change. Why is it okay to have different standards for hurting your spouse than your child? I hear some say that “we” need to teach other countries about parent and child relationships. We do not have a clue about this.
More reading:
What is the Priorty Children or Drugs?
Effects of A Mother's Choices
Is Parenting a Right or a Privilege?
Comments, Pingbacks:
Comment from: Sandra Hanks Benoiton [Member] 
· http://international.adoptionblogs.com/
· http://international.adoptionblogs.com/
Lanette,
Thanks for your voice that provides such an effective counter-balance to those insisting they've never met a druggie birth mother or one that didn't give a rat's patoot about the children they carelessly brought into the world. Given the number of children in foster care, it seems there are a great many for whom motherhood meant little to nothing, and creating an impression that these are extremely few and far between seems less than helpful to the state of children.
Thanks for your voice that provides such an effective counter-balance to those insisting they've never met a druggie birth mother or one that didn't give a rat's patoot about the children they carelessly brought into the world. Given the number of children in foster care, it seems there are a great many for whom motherhood meant little to nothing, and creating an impression that these are extremely few and far between seems less than helpful to the state of children.
Permalink
07/11/07 @ 23:20
Comment from: soblessed [Member]
Amen, Sandra! It is NOT a small percentage of women and anyone working with children knows that.
Lanette, prayers, hugs and thoughts for you and your daughters. I'm sorry they were treated so incredibly wrongly by the very women who are called, by both biology and morality, to nurture and care for them. You're right....they deserve jail cells.
Lanette, prayers, hugs and thoughts for you and your daughters. I'm sorry they were treated so incredibly wrongly by the very women who are called, by both biology and morality, to nurture and care for them. You're right....they deserve jail cells.
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07/12/07 @ 07:52
Comment from: John [Member]
And the birthmothers association assures us that the best intrests of the mom and the child are indentical, almost always. No They
Are Not. There is no basis to assume that the birthparents will automatically act in the best intrests of their child.
I am about to go visit with my 22 year old. He will never be able to be truly independant, or live a normal life thanks to his mom's continuous use of drugs and alcholol during pregnancy. He was her fouth child. No one ever thought about putting her in jail for what she did, the poor thing was 'disadvantaged'. Crap, Crap, Crap. John
Are Not. There is no basis to assume that the birthparents will automatically act in the best intrests of their child.
I am about to go visit with my 22 year old. He will never be able to be truly independant, or live a normal life thanks to his mom's continuous use of drugs and alcholol during pregnancy. He was her fouth child. No one ever thought about putting her in jail for what she did, the poor thing was 'disadvantaged'. Crap, Crap, Crap. John
Permalink
07/12/07 @ 16:31
Comment from: soblessed [Member]
"disadvantaged" is a trigger word for me. You know that word association game? The one where one person says a word and the other person says the first word that pops into their head? For me "disadvantage" would trigger "cop out". Sad, but true.
Note: I do understand that there are people who are disadvantaged who, when given appropriate help, take it and profit from it ten-fold. These are not cop out people, of course.
Note: I do understand that there are people who are disadvantaged who, when given appropriate help, take it and profit from it ten-fold. These are not cop out people, of course.
Permalink
07/13/07 @ 11:19
Comment from: sassyadoptee [Member]
Very eloquently put! You did a great job on this blog!
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07/13/07 @ 14:57
Comment from: Chromesthesia [Member]
DOOD
People need to chill with the tolerence, this notion that all lifestyles are good and that people have the right to do whatever they want regardless of whether or not it's responsible.
It's got to stop!
Doing drugs when you're pregnat is wrong. These women are not thinking about the children or the long term effects and could care less.
They need to be thrown in jail, put into rehab ir something so they don't hurt their children.
I have such an offensive idea when it comes to this sort of thing because it makes me so mad!
Children deserve better and it's time all of society realize this.
People need to chill with the tolerence, this notion that all lifestyles are good and that people have the right to do whatever they want regardless of whether or not it's responsible.
It's got to stop!
Doing drugs when you're pregnat is wrong. These women are not thinking about the children or the long term effects and could care less.
They need to be thrown in jail, put into rehab ir something so they don't hurt their children.
I have such an offensive idea when it comes to this sort of thing because it makes me so mad!
Children deserve better and it's time all of society realize this.
Permalink
07/13/07 @ 18:05
Comment from: jsteven45 [Member]
It's rather sad to see all this "holier than thou" attitude from people rearing other people's children. We all have these thoughts but to be patted on the back for expressing them depresses me.
Still,I understand Lanette's frustration. As the adoptive mom of five girls adopted at ages 8 or 11 from the foster care system, I am all too familiar with the harm done to my precious children by drug & alcohol abusing mothers as well as mentally ill or character-disordered mothers.
Early in my life as an adoptive mother, it was all too easy to be judgmental about my children's birthmothers. But as my children grew older and the birthmothers became part of their lives (yes, the adoptions were closed, but over time, my children needed their adoptions to open so they did), I learned that the birthmothers' lives were blighted by their own histories of parental addiction, mental illness, physical and sexual abuse. What looked like a lack of caring was often the birthmother making what she thought was a child-centered decision. My youngest daughter's mother made no attempt to visit her daughter for 2 years--now that she's been clean almost that long, she says she did not want her daughter to see her under the influence, and she was never NOT under the influence at the time. She thought she was doing the right thing. She was wrong, but it was not that she didn't care.
You might want to keep in mind that your dislike of the birthfamilies of the children in your care is bound to be reflected to the children. Unfortunately, our children are prone to seeing themselves when we either disparage their birthparents, or show our distaste through our actions.
This isn't meant to be an apologia for harmful or neglectful birthparents. Children are usually removed because they have to be. They wind up being adopted because their birthfamilies cannot get their act together to safely rear their children in a timely manner.
It's just the lack of empathy for the folks who gave birth to our kids that I find disturbing.
Julie
Still,I understand Lanette's frustration. As the adoptive mom of five girls adopted at ages 8 or 11 from the foster care system, I am all too familiar with the harm done to my precious children by drug & alcohol abusing mothers as well as mentally ill or character-disordered mothers.
Early in my life as an adoptive mother, it was all too easy to be judgmental about my children's birthmothers. But as my children grew older and the birthmothers became part of their lives (yes, the adoptions were closed, but over time, my children needed their adoptions to open so they did), I learned that the birthmothers' lives were blighted by their own histories of parental addiction, mental illness, physical and sexual abuse. What looked like a lack of caring was often the birthmother making what she thought was a child-centered decision. My youngest daughter's mother made no attempt to visit her daughter for 2 years--now that she's been clean almost that long, she says she did not want her daughter to see her under the influence, and she was never NOT under the influence at the time. She thought she was doing the right thing. She was wrong, but it was not that she didn't care.
You might want to keep in mind that your dislike of the birthfamilies of the children in your care is bound to be reflected to the children. Unfortunately, our children are prone to seeing themselves when we either disparage their birthparents, or show our distaste through our actions.
This isn't meant to be an apologia for harmful or neglectful birthparents. Children are usually removed because they have to be. They wind up being adopted because their birthfamilies cannot get their act together to safely rear their children in a timely manner.
It's just the lack of empathy for the folks who gave birth to our kids that I find disturbing.
Julie
Permalink
07/17/07 @ 11:05
Comment from: sassyadoptee [Member]
Julie:
I will comment on your comment you have left. I am going to have to disagree with you, and I think you are giving these people a "cop out".
We have a choice to follow in the footsteps of our biological parents, or we can choose to get the help needed to overcome the cycle. I empathize with these people as does Lanette, but we should not enable them to continue the cycle. I could have become a druggie or an alcoholic, since both of my biological parents are addicted to one or the other. I sought the help I needed and battled that cycle that people can fall into. It is a choice WE make as adults. Children should not SUFFER because we don't make the right choices. It is about the well-being of these children, not about enabling the biological parents to keep repeating the vicious cycle.
Sincerely,
Kay
I will comment on your comment you have left. I am going to have to disagree with you, and I think you are giving these people a "cop out".
We have a choice to follow in the footsteps of our biological parents, or we can choose to get the help needed to overcome the cycle. I empathize with these people as does Lanette, but we should not enable them to continue the cycle. I could have become a druggie or an alcoholic, since both of my biological parents are addicted to one or the other. I sought the help I needed and battled that cycle that people can fall into. It is a choice WE make as adults. Children should not SUFFER because we don't make the right choices. It is about the well-being of these children, not about enabling the biological parents to keep repeating the vicious cycle.
Sincerely,
Kay
Permalink
07/18/07 @ 13:39
Comment from: jaysmom [Member]
Oh, Kay, if addictions were only that simple. I agree that there are many choices involved in regards to behavior. Being responsible enough to make other choices as you did, can sometimes seem overwhelming and maybe not even w/ in the scope of possibilities to one coping w/ abuse, neglect, mental illness, etc. Many kudos to you for making other choices. The family legacy can be very difficult to change.
Lanette, I can certainly empathize w/ the frustration and helplessness you may be feeling as you care for your daughters and see them struggle.
I'm not suggesting that their mothers did care about them...the nature of methampetamine addiction means they probably did not...more to the point..COULD not. This is a horrible, horrible drug and the devastation it wreaks on individuals, families and society is immeasurable. Most tragic is the impact on the innocent victims, the children. The drug destroys the pleasure centers in the brain and can render one incapable of caring about anything except their next fix and can cause permanent brain damage.
Knowledge/education of the drug addiction can be helpful in explaining to your daughters why their birth mothers were incapable of caring for them.
The children should NOT be the ones to suffer, but treatment funding has become very limited and unfortunately this scenario has become the unintended outcome of it. Children DO deserve better.
Diane
Lanette, I can certainly empathize w/ the frustration and helplessness you may be feeling as you care for your daughters and see them struggle.
I'm not suggesting that their mothers did care about them...the nature of methampetamine addiction means they probably did not...more to the point..COULD not. This is a horrible, horrible drug and the devastation it wreaks on individuals, families and society is immeasurable. Most tragic is the impact on the innocent victims, the children. The drug destroys the pleasure centers in the brain and can render one incapable of caring about anything except their next fix and can cause permanent brain damage.
Knowledge/education of the drug addiction can be helpful in explaining to your daughters why their birth mothers were incapable of caring for them.
The children should NOT be the ones to suffer, but treatment funding has become very limited and unfortunately this scenario has become the unintended outcome of it. Children DO deserve better.
Diane
Permalink
07/23/07 @ 09:00
Comment from: llambros [Member]
Yes, drug/alcohol addictions are a horrible cross to bear but so is being neglected, abused and starved in the name of the parents addiction. Even in addiction there are free choices, although drug driven. It may well be a disease and need to be treated as such but come on folks....they once made a conscious choice to light the pipe or boot up. Should you make that choice, then for the love of God...please wear a condom....take a pill....tie your tubes!!! I love all my children but would not wish another child to go through the tremors, the sweats, the screaming that my latest crack baby is enduring. Or the learning and social disabilities my tween has. Or the lack of ability my 20 something year old has....to the extent that he can only funtion in the armed forces, in a very manual job where he is directed at all times. How about the STD my toddler was born with and the forever medication he will take for the rest of his life...thanks to another night of drugs and alcohol. So addicted birth parents, I have empathy for your plight....have empathy for the children you have left behind.
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07/24/07 @ 04:22
Comment from: Qiana [Member]
If someone kills someone while driving under the influence we aren't expected to feel empathy for them because they are addicts and made a poor decision...we throw the book at them and want them to go to prison for the criminal act. For some reason this society does not see child abuse and neglect as a crime. They really think its something that can be fixed with therapy and parenting classes. That's a joke. I have watched crack destroy distant family members and I don't feel the least bit empathetic towards them. They make a choice everytime they choose to get high, or steal to get high or turn tricks to get high or pimp their own kid to get drugs.
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09/09/07 @ 01:51
Comment from: Qiana [Member]
If someone kills someone while driving under the influence we aren't expected to feel empathy for them because they are addicts and made a poor decision...we throw the book at them and want them to go to prison for the criminal act. For some reason this society does not see child abuse and neglect as a crime. They really think its something that can be fixed with therapy and parenting classes. That's a joke. I have watched crack destroy distant family members and I don't feel the least bit empathetic towards them. They make a choice everytime they choose to get high, or steal to get high or turn tricks to get high or pimp their own kid to get drugs.
Permalink
09/09/07 @ 01:52
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