First and foremost foster parents are just caring for children in a tragic situation when they are placed in the foster home. We do not go searching for children to parent. Where would the foster children be without the foster parents and homes? They would be living in shelters and orphanages and I have heard horror stories from foster children that have spent time in shelters. There are some foster children that are in care that are sexual predators, some are very violent and care about no one but themselves. A number of foster children are in and out of juvenile facilities and treatment centers. In shelters do you really think these children are kept away from the other children?

Below I will be responding to a comment that was left on a post about foster parents bonding with foster children.

“If you are a short term placement, bonding would only hurt the child at the time they are moved. A child who comes to you tramatized from abuse and a removal from their home wants love, safety, and compassion, but they also want and desperately need stability. They stay with you for a couple months, start to settle in, start to trust you, start to feel comfortable, and wam it's time for them to move on.”

Short terms placements can easily turn into months or years. I am in the process of adopting a baby that I have been fostering since she was two months old. She was only a short term placement, surprise, surprise, it did not end in a short term placements just as many others do not. I have been the only mother this baby girl has known and I should not bond with her. In what should be for her own good. How can a baby develop into a health child without bonding?

"Children who are in multiple placements over a period of time tend to develop attachment disorders because they know that they're just going to be moved again."

Yes, attachment disorders are common in foster care, but they do not solely exist because multiple placements. I do not agree with moving children around without just cause. I have seen more foster children dealing with attachments issues because of their biological home lives and the reasons they were placed into foster care. I fostered a 13 month old baby that had a flat head due to her biological mother leaving her in a crib for her entire life. This baby girl could not stand to be touched or held because she had not received any human contact. She could not sit up, crawl and only could hold her head up for short periods of times (3-4 minutes) because of not receiving human contact.

“The child will naturally want to bond with you, but if you know that you're a short term placement, then you should do whatever you can to prepare them for that reality. If that child has bonded with you, they will relive the trama when it's time for them to move on.”

The foster child in my belief will receive more trauma by not being loved and without bonding. When they see a long term placement foster child bonding with the foster mom and the short term child is not included for any reason, it is only going to hurt that child..
While I can understand biological parents have intense feelings about their children bonding to their foster parents. It is hard for the biological parents to hear and see their children relate to the foster mother as a “mom”. While it can also be heartbreaking to hear your children refer to the foster parents as mom and dad, it is the setting the children are in. It does not take away anything from the biological parents.

This sounds more about the biological parents’ feelings, desires, and issues than about the foster children. The children should come first and foremost above our own personal feelings, desires and issues. While I do see that you as the biological mother have great pain in not having your child with you, do not make the foster parents the enemy.

What is that saying, “If I can’t love them ain’t nobody else is going to.” This is how it comes across when biological parents do not want foster parents bonding and have a relationship with their children.

I can guarantee, if foster parents were to treat their children differently than the other children in the home they would be screaming abuse, neglect and everything else and would be calling for our heads.

Is this about what is best for the foster children or the biological parents? Were does line stop? Next it will be that foster parents should not take their foster children to the park or other outings because that is taking away from the biological parents.

More reading:

Foster Parents Are Not the Problem

A Baby Lay Dying While Mother Allows It to Happen

Biological Parents Questions about Foster Care

More Biological Parents Questions

How to Help Biological Parents Feel Involved With Foster Children