It can be quite the balance to come up with an acceptable compromise so that the foster child has some mothering type, or care giver type of responsibility. Granted not every foster child will have this problem or they will accept you as the parental role. I personally have dealt with this with older children and younger as well, so I will share how I handle both.

With my 10 year old foster daughter she was very mothering along with all the chores that come with being one. When I walked into the kitchen she was right aside me, trying to help with dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. Do not get me wrong I did appreciate her help, but also she needed to spend time being a child playing with the other children and I didn’t need a child underfoot all the time. She would try to take over mothering the other children including my oldest daughter who was older than she was. She was constantly telling her what to do, if they asked for something, she would respond, and the worse thing was that she would try to discipline the other children. She would also act the same way in public settings. All of these things and more were what she was responsible for in her biological home.

We sat down and she explained the things that she really liked to do and I explained things that she absolutly could not do, like disciplining the other children and wanting to help give them baths. I explained that this was an important role for the parents to do and that Child Welfare does not allow it. Below, I will share a few things that we worked out that would benefit everyone.

With the kitchen and household happenings she liked helping and enjoyed being in the kitchen. Allowing her to have set responsibilities in the kitchen like helping put up groceries, helping get things out to cook meals, sweeping, and letting her help on occasions with some cooking was something that worked for both of us.

Mothering other children was something that was instinctive with her even at that young age so, that made this more challeging for both of us. Disciplining the little ones is one that she would occasionally respond to first without thinking but she did work on it. Helping and playing outside with the little ones, helping get them ready for bed, and reading to them were things that helped her keep her mothering sense. She would also help with one of the younger ones when we went out ( getting her to the car and buckled in, carrying the diaper bag, she would have a stroller or shopping cart herself to care for my little one, etc.). These things helped her and they were a great help to me.

Once we set boundaries along with responsibilities things were much smoother. That did not mean that things were perfect and that she would slip on occasion. This allowed me not to feel like that I was battling a someone from trying to take on the mothering role. By me allowing my foster daughter to retain some mothering activities she was a happy child.

With playing outside with the little ones she started to gradually play with my older daughter and other children. One of my conditions of this compromise is that she would have to try to learn what it was like to be a child and insert herself in age appropriate activities.

Next I will talk about how to work with this issue with younger children.

More reading:

Foster Children Growing Up To Fast

Young Foster Child as Care Giver - Comprise

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