Continuing on with the subject of therapy, and how it relates to our newly formed family. Foster children and children adopted from foster care have come from some pretty unstable and chaotic family backgrounds. What appears "normal" to us is not for them. When they experience love from us as the foster and/or adoptive parents, it doesn’t compute.

As Deborah Hage says in her article on Antecedents to Lying and Teaching the Truth,

"His mother says, "I love you" and follows that up with a safe home, nutritious food, and warm clothes. It is not the words which convey a feeling of love, it is the actions which give meaning to the words. Contrast that to the child whose mother says, "I love you" and then proceeds to neglect him, perhaps beat him. The actions make a lie of the words. The actions make a lie of the emotion. The child questions, "If this is love, then why does it hurt so bad? What is the truth here?"

Our daughter manipulates the therapists in her life amazingly well. She does, however, open up to us on a regular basis. This is a very good thing, and we let her know that we REALLY appreciate it. We have encouraged open communication from the start, and though she still has trouble with the lying thing, we do understand where it is coming from.

She told us after we had come home from the latest therapist that she does not like too much love. It scares her. That is why she pushes us away by using anger or some other tactic that she knows will get our attention and make us not want to be near her. Love feels good to her, but she is not yet ready to fully trust us. While it’s hard for us to have to "hold back", it is perfectly understandable. We think that when she is fully adopted, and the papers have all been signed and the new birth certificate is issued, she will feel a great sense of relief.

The problem of trust wasn’t helped by the fact the she had been through another adoption placement that failed, not to mention the anger that ensued. The anger is a control thing for her, and when we call her on it, all her power is gone. What used to work at the foster home is no longer effective with us, and we let her know that.

The next stage, when the anger doesn’t work, is to become very critical. This not only applies to us, but friends and other adults. Not a real effective way to make friends, but what she knows will get her attention. "This is what she needs a therapist for", we say. "Too bad she doesn’t have a good therapist."

And so we keep fumbling along alone, without the support that J needs. Luckily, we have a good therapist that thinks we’re doing a great job. She says we should just have J do individual therapy, and we can go to our therapist if we need some help. Finally, some support! We’re going to give it a try.