Foster children that are stuggling with behavior issues or that come into foster care without any parent involvement will need to have realistic expectations set for them. As the old saying goes, “You have to crawl before you can walk.” Understand how important this is for the children you're fostering.

As foster parents, it can be overwhelming when you get children or teens placed with you that have “NO” self control, manners, self help skills, hygiene, thoughts of others, or you are deal with aggression, violence, destroying property, hurting animals, cursing, outburst of rage, threats and so many more issues.

The truth is that these behaviors or issues will not go away overnight or in a few weeks. Some issues they may end up stuggling with throughout their lives. A lot of issues you can work with the foster child to overcome or deal with. Below I will give examples of dealing with behaviors and other issues (hygiene, self help skills, etc.).


Chose three target areas that you want to improve with the child. Some children may only be able to handle working on two areas. As you start to see the child improving in the area of concern and seem to be dealing with the problem or behavior, add a new target area. How fast this will happen will depend on the area and the child.

Tell the child what you want him to do instead of the behavior you want him to stop.

Target behaviors and alternative behaviors:
Stop hurting others. – If you feel like you want to hurt someone use your words tell them why you are angry or mad or leave the room.

Controlling anger – Remove yourself from the situation, go for a walk (may need an adult supervision in the beginning for this one), use you words (I have found this one takes a long time.).

Target hygiene or other areas:

Urinating or defecating in the toilet and not throughout the house – A toilet schedule may help. Understand that if they get into the bathroom but maybe not to the toilet it is better than the bedroom or living room. (Baby steps - This one was hard for me.)

Using silverware instead of their hands – Start with a spoon and then move to a fork Understand they may pick the food up and put it on the spoon and eat it off the spoon (Here again baby step).
Offer words of encouragement, praise for the baby steps, and give them time. Praise is a powerful tool.

If a child gets stuck on a target area for a period of time without making any progress, you may need to move to a different target area and come back the other one later.

You may not want to pick three of the hardest target areas for a child to work on at once.

More reading:

Why do Foster Parents Continue?

Are Foster Parents Doing It for the Money?