We just had a parent teacher conference yesterday, and were very frustrated with J's declining grades this past quarter, especially since she is so bright and capable of doing the work.

We recently came up with a new system for her to keep track of her homework and turn it in on time. If you saw her backpack it would be obvious that she is not very organized. To be fair, organization is not high on the priority list of an 11 year-old girl, especially if it has something to do with school (which she doesn't like).

So, the new system includes a separate folder for work that is done, and needs to be turned in. It's not that she doesn't do the work (although sometimes she rushes through it), it's that she forgets to turn it in. Now, the problem, as was evident at the conference, is that she needs to be told to turn the papers in at school. She had a substitute teacher for a few days, and the routine was different than with the regular teacher.

The substitute didn't ask for the homework, so it remained in the backpack. This resulted in her getting only 1/2 credit for having done an assignment correctly and on time. To first time adoptive parents who have been doing everything possible to help their daughter adjust to a new state, new school, new home, new friends, new rules,...etc., etc., and having no support from the alleged therapist, this becomes too much.

How can we help J without the help of the teacher, school, therapist, and others involved with her on a regular basis? The answer is that we can help her on our own, and in fact we have been the therapists, the parents, the friends, and the entertainment committee since she moved in last April. This makes for some very exhausted parents, who have nothing left to give by the time the weekend rolls around. This, not surprisingly, coincides with the time that J needs and expects the most attention.

Yes, we know that there are boundaries that need to exist as far as the parent/child relationship, and that we are not her friends, but when the child's fear of abandonment is so great that she is afraid to socialize, you as the parents have to do something to help her through the fear.
Having been through a failed adoption, and thinking that it was your fault doesn't help things either.

Since she is so much like us, it is easy to understand her, and to know what she is thinking and feeling most of the time. What isn't so easy is knowing what to do to help, or if we know what to do, how to approach her without setting off her defenses. She is very skilled in using anger to distract others from what is really going on, and we have made it clear that this method of dealing with things will not work here. We are onto her, and she hates that. But at the same time, she breathes a sigh of relief. Finally, someone cares enough about me to see what I'm really doing!

Anyway, we figured out that she cannot spell at all, even though she is an excellent reader. The former adoptive parents thought she was mentally retarded or that she had ADHD. It became apparent to us when she almost won the school spelling bee that something was wrong with this picture. How can a kid who can't spell almost win a spelling bee? This makes no sense...(cont.)