Do you ever remember a child saying, “Too many people love me?” Have you ever heard an epitaph that read, “Too many people loved me during my life?” Did you ever hear, “I spent too much time with people I loved?” Of course not, what a wonderful thing it is to know there are people who love you and care about you. Knowing there is someone you can call in any crisis gives you a sense of inner security. Children in foster care usually live with broken attachments. In their world, people come and then go, never to be seen again. It must be confusing to hear someone say, “I love you,” and then disappear forever. That is why I have chosen to remain in contact when possible with former foster children. However, there are times when it may not be appropriate to maintain contact. There are also times when contact should be stopped for a few months.

A comment from Kim about this blog, “An Overnight Visit With Previous Foster Child”

After a month in his new home, we too had our former FS spend the night at our request. It was very difficult when we took him "home". He said he was sad and cried some. I reminded him we would see him in a couple of weeks as his new parents have made plans and needed respite.
How do you handle that? Plus, I wonder if we are not just making his life more sad by coming in and out of it like that once a month or so."

In my situation, my foster child had gone back to her mother. Obviously, that is someone she was already bonded to so it was ok for me to visit soon after her return. However, when a foster child goes to new adoptive parents, sometimes you need to allow them time to attach and bond. Because the child already loves you, visiting frequently may prevent the child from see the adoptive family as the parents. However, if the child needs respite, who better to provide it, than someone he already loves and knows. Staying overnight with strangers can be traumatizing to any child, but especially one who has made several moves.

If you, the former foster parent, feel compelled to disagree with the way the child is being parented, you should stay away. You can cause a lot of confusion for the child and make parenting the child more difficult. If you are able to love the child, build a relationship of mutual respect with the new family, by all means, maintain contact. Aunts, uncles, and grandparents sometimes only see children once a month or so. Nobody ever ask if that is too traumatic. Just remember to talk to the adoptive parents and respect their interpretation of things. If they feel it is too upsetting, stay away for a while. Definitely ask them to call when things settle down and send cards occasionally so they know you haven’t forgotten.



Photo Credit: 2006 Julia Fuller.