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Do you ever remember a child saying, “Too many people love me?” Have you ever heard an epitaph that read, “Too many people loved me during my life?” Did you ever hear, “I spent too much time with people I loved?” Of course not, what a wonderful thing it is to know there are people who love you and care about you. Knowing there is someone you can call in any crisis gives you a sense of inner security. Children in foster care usually live with broken attachments. In their world, people come and then go, never to be seen again. It must be confusing to hear someone say, “I love you,” and then disappear forever. That is why I have chosen to remain in contact when possible with former foster children. However, there are times when it may not be appropriate to maintain contact. There are also times when contact should be stopped for a few months.
A comment from Kim about this blog, “An Overnight Visit With Previous Foster Child”
After a month in his new home, we too had our former FS spend the night at our request. It was very difficult when we took him “home”. He said he was sad and cried some. I reminded him we would see him in a couple of weeks as his new parents have made plans and needed respite.
How do you handle that? Plus, I wonder if we are not just making his life more sad by coming in and out of it like that once a month or so.”
In my situation, my foster child had gone back to her mother. Obviously, that is someone she was already bonded to so it was ok for me to visit soon after her return. However, when a foster child goes to new adoptive parents, sometimes you need to allow them time to attach and bond. Because the child already loves you, visiting frequently may prevent the child from see the adoptive family as the parents. However, if the child needs respite, who better to provide it, than someone he already loves and knows. Staying overnight with strangers can be traumatizing to any child, but especially one who has made several moves.
If you, the former foster parent, feel compelled to disagree with the way the child is being parented, you should stay away. You can cause a lot of confusion for the child and make parenting the child more difficult. If you are able to love the child, build a relationship of mutual respect with the new family, by all means, maintain contact. Aunts, uncles, and grandparents sometimes only see children once a month or so. Nobody ever ask if that is too traumatic. Just remember to talk to the adoptive parents and respect their interpretation of things. If they feel it is too upsetting, stay away for a while. Definitely ask them to call when things settle down and send cards occasionally so they know you haven’t forgotten.
Photo Credit: 2006 Julia Fuller.
Thanks for making me feel somewhat better for remaining in his life. His new family is foster/adopt (we are foster only). His case is heading to TPR and they may or may not adopt him.
We have made it very clear to his new foster parents (whom we like very much and whom he seems to like as well) that they control the amount of contact. We had called every week this first month that he has been gone to see how he is doing and how he is settling in. We speak to them and then ask if they think it is a good time to speak to him or tell them to tell him we called to check on him when the timing is good.
We were sure to wait one full month before seeing him face to face again but perhaps that was not long enough. He does have trouble seeing them as his parents, because he kept telling me during his visit to tell them to do stuff as though I am his mom and I need to tell them how to care for him and what to do…like they are just his babysitters. We made it very clear that THEY are the boss now and that we will do as THEY request while he is with us. It’s hard. We don’t all parent the same and he expects every foster home to be carbon copies of the other. We were his first and he was here 7 months so he has been telling them repeatedly how we did things (snack, bath, activities, etc) expecting them to follow suit.
We get him AND his new foster brother for respite care in two weeks. After that, we may let some time go by before having him see us again. We could mail a carebox with some school supplies or something in August with a note encouraging him to start the school year off right. Would that seem appropriate? Also, my parents and other family members are close to him and constantly ask if we have talked to him or heard from him. It is hard to say “No, we haven’t called” because it seems cold, but I guess I will just need to explain that he needs some attachment time for this to be a healthy transition.
I’ve yet to have one reunify. It’s getting depressing on that front. I would love to send one back to familiar people in a healed home.
Thanks for the blog!
Kim
If you are a former foster parent, feel compelled to disagree with the way the child is being parented, you should stay
away.It is a great work.
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I am new to this site and having trouble finding out how to start my own blog. Can you help me?
My kids have been home from foster care for 6 weeks now.
Last night was their former foster dad’s birthday, so I helped them pick out a card and a little present, and we went to the party.
They still have a ton of stuff over there, so I’m going to need to help the foster mom go through their old rooms and get things organized.
It just doesn’t make sense to have a “family” that just drops out of a kid’s life and never sees them again. That’s not family. Family might not live with you, they might not see you often, they might only send a card at Christmas, but they do keep in touch and if you ever showed up on their doorstep, they let you in.
After two plus years, my foster son forced a disruption. In our locale, a child can refuse to stay in a home and they will move him. He was very angry at me for enforcing some family rules — now we are back in touch and he visits almost every weekend. His new parent doesn’t want to be a permanant parent, and I was willing to do that. The new foster parent and I get along great; but have different philosophies.
I parent each kid like they are going to be with me forever or in my life forever (I take teens), and I am make a lifelong commitment to that child. Of course, my foster son can’t accept that kind of love and commitment on the one hand, and wants it on the other!
So I have to define as best I can what it is I am doing as a foster parent, and give that gift understanding it may not be accepted at all times, it may not work, it may cause me some pain.
My new placment is 17 with a baby and girlfriend, so I got a three-fer. She had a solid childhood; she is in care because her aunt, who was caring for her, died, and no one could step up and take responsiblity. She is able to give and recieve love much more easily and is responding well to her new life with me. She has family to love, so I don’t know what my life-time relationship will be, if she will need me. But I will offer it.
I am new to this, coming up now on my third year, and know that my thoughts and feelings will adjust over time.
On the other hand, I have a birth sister I don’t have any contact with becuase she is too difficult for me to deal with. I suppose I could reach that point with an adult foster child.