July 31st, 2007
Posted By:
Categories: The Questions

I will be addressing statements (below is the first one) that have been left in comments on a few of my blogs.

“foster parent” goodie, two-shoe roles as the “resucer”, the “if it wasn’t for me”, or “I saved you from the abuse of your parent(s)”, attention seeking, control needing, “look at me”, requiring people in this sad world

It’s all about “ME”, meaning, the person, that gets what he/she wants. In this case, becoming, “recusers”, for poor little amy or john. You all are just as selfish as a parent that do not get their self as you say “together”.

Foster parents do not hope for more children to come into the foster care system to benefit themselves or anybody else. Truthfully, most foster parents feel just the opposite. I would love to get a call saying Lanette we will be closing your foster home due to the decrease of children coming into foster care. Which I would think a lot more foster parents would feel this same way.

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Foster parents also do not do it because they want to be a savior to anyone or for the attention. We provide care for children in need and give them a safe loving home until their parents can take care of their issues so the children can return home. Being a foster parent is the farthest thing away from being about ourselves and being selfish in anyway.

Have no right to judge, the parent of a child that we “Foster parents” would even consider raising as our own

As an adoptive parent to children that I once fostered and see them trying to live, deal with, and continue suffering because of the choices that the birth parents made by their abuse and neglect it does give me the right to speak up. These children did not deserve what has been done to them.

Open a place to keep the family together. Their is a place to keep the family separated, “women’s shelter’s (domestic violence), child-care shelters (child abuse, neglect). Open one to keep the family stability, then decide if a parent want to be a parent? Especially, when in this system, “No one is keeping up with the keepers”. Foster parents, and their surroundings of family and outside friends. Check the checker the way the parent is checked.

Keeping the abuser with the ones they are abusing does not even begin to address the problem or needs of the children. Domestic violence can be men or women and in most cases if the parent is willing to remove themselves with the children to a safe place then the children are not removed. Should we place all abusers including sexual predators together with their children? I cannot even begin to imagine what kind of abuse would go on in a place like this. Would we also be footing the bill while the abuse continued?

Placing children that are removed due to abuse or neglect in shelters seems cruel. I have known foster teens that have been placed in shelters. There, they suffered more abuse by other foster teens (back in the day, children were allowed to stay longer so this was done more often). These shelters are crowded with foster teens and at night, staff is limited when a lot of the abuse takes place. Foster homes keeps children out of the shelters and safe.

Who is checking and constantly monitoring the foster parents? That would be child welfare on a monthly basis and we also answer to the court. Yes, a few bad foster parents do go without being monitored and some do hurt the same children they are suppose to be protecting. All foster parents are not anything like this. We can find bad in every aspect of life.

More reading:

Foster Children Being Removed

Why do Foster Parents Continue?

Are Foster Parents Doing It for the Money?

6 Responses to “Foster Parents Are Not the Problem”

  1. Faith Allen says:

    Oh, wow Lanette. Considering all the @#$% that foster parents go through to love children who have been removed from unsafe homes, comments like that have got to be a real slap in the face. I applaud your reaction in blogging about this in a calm manner rather than getting into a “bashing” match with these readers.

    I have a friend who fostered several children, and it was heartbreaking to watch her fall in love with these children and then watch them be returned and removed repeatedly from the same unsafe environment.

    Even though I was never in foster care, I feel very strongly about these kinds of comments because I **should** have been removed from my abusive environment into a foster home. As I live my adult life effectively as an orphan, I grieve that I have no parent figure with whom to connect. I’m on my own in all the ways that other people lean on parents or former foster parents.

    I know how much emotional damage was inflicted by remaining in an abusive environment. It baffles me that people believe that this is a good thing for child. Once your parent has broken your bones or raped you, there is no getting past that. Even if the parent gets therapy and stops raping his or her child, the child will NEVER, EVER feel safe around that person. We don’t ask women who are raped on the street by a stranger to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her rapist every year, but we inflict this pain on children in the foster care system on a regular basis. I don’t get it. The fact that your rapist was a parent only makes it WORSE, not better.

    Okay — Off my soapbox now. :0)

    - Faith

  2. Wow is right.

    I’m trying to decide if I was a “resucer” or a recuser” when my foster son was with us. It’s a bit hard to figure how we were the selfish ones when he was with us because his mother felt the need to take off and lead a life I won’t go into detail about here, but suffice it to say it was not “other focused”.

  3. soblessed says:

    Kudos to you, Lanette, for responding in a calm, considerate and educated manner to a comment that was, obviously, very ignorant and inflammatory.

    My son lived with a foster mom for nine months before he was with us and, if not for this loving, courageous and wonderful woman, he would not be the wonderful, active, curious, on-target boy he is. Thank God for the foster mothers of the world!!

  4. Chromesthesia says:

    Why do people in society just… attack to put it mildly the wrong people?
    It’s the parents who abuse their children who should be held accountable, not the millions of exausted foster parents trying to help and heal wounds they didn’t inflict.
    And the idea of sending a child who needs PARENTS to care for them, to teach them about love and trust to a shelter where they’d get more abuse?
    Where do people get thse notions from?

  5. lmg1567 says:

    Anytime someone does something well, there is always those naysayers who will attack them. As a former foster parent, it was ridiculous the comments that trickled down to me about how I was in it for the money, how these weren’t really my kids – so why did I treat them like mine?, how I just wanted the attention. It made me sick!! I felt like no good deed went unpunished. I decided to focus completely on my family and ALL MY children and leave everyone to their own opinions. It was very hurtful though and very isolating until I found some wonderful other foster mom’s to bond with. Thank you for addressing this issue. It’s ridiculous that people think their opinions are always the right ones. Just because they wouldn’t put themselves out there to help these kids, no one is supposed to?

  6. fostermomofmany says:

    anyone that done fostercare will tell you it not a easy road, these children are not the normal kids.. they come with a lot of problems..
    alot times they are harmful to them self as well as others.. they need love and care… It takes alot to take them in to your home and try to build some kinda normal life for them, yes I’m proud to say I’m a foster parent, Most time my job is to take care of them tell they can be back to parent or another family member.. and it breaks my heart to see them go… By way I came from a home where my mother should have gotten us out alot eariler away from a abusive father.. but she made excuses for him because she loved him… maybe if we had gone in fostercare, my mom would have woken up sooner & got out of the abuse sooner.. she did when I was 13

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