Foster Parenting, Foster Child, Foster Care Blog - Feeling Sorry For or Having Empathy

08/27/07

Feeling Sorry For or Having Empathy

Posted by : Lanette in Foster Care Blog at 08:15 pm , 374 words, 183 views
Categories: Parenting Challenges, Daily Life

Feeling sorry for and having empathy for foster children are two totally different things. Each one of these can have a lasting impact on foster children and teaches them a lot (not all good things). I do not think people really think about the outcome of their actions towards foster children.

First; feeling sorry for foster children:

It is easy for us to feel sorry for what these children have suffered through in their lives. In school teachers tend to feel sorry for the abused child and then starts looking the other way when she is falling far behind her peers in her studies. When a 3rd grader does not know how to read a word (not in special ed.) but the teacher knows that the child is living a horrible home life and passes her to the next grade. This is not helping the child at all.

Everyone from school staff, your family members, general public, doctors, some caseworkers, just to name a few will make excuses for a foster child’s behavior time and time again without addressing it because they feel sorry for what the child has experienced.

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Second; having empathy for foster children:

A teacher should have empathy for an abused child, or one that has a horrible home life when that child does not return homework because there is not anyone at home to help her with it. Having empathy for a child that cannot read is having someone give the child one on one tutoring during reading class.

While the behaviors that you see in most foster children is because of the abuse or/and the way they were raised, they need to learn appropriate ways to deal with what has happened to them. By making excuses and not teaching them to be responsible for their actions is a tragedy for the foster child.

What benefit is it to teach children to have the “feel sorry for me” attitude? Shouldn’t we be helping these children overcome their obstacles instead adding more?

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More reading:

Foster Care: Empathy and Reality

Foster Care: Empathy and Reality - Coping

Realistic Expectations for Foster Children

3 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: patism [Member]

You said: While the behaviors that you see in most foster children is because of the abuse or/and the way they were raised...

Although I must agree that is part of it, you leave out the damage caused by the removal from the home. You leave out the damage caused by being bounced from foster home to foster home. You leave out the damage caused by being seperated from your brothers and sisters, you make it sound as if Child Protective and the whole Child Welfare System should take no part of the responsibility for screwing these kids up whatsoever.

Then you say: What benefit is it to teach children to have the “feel sorry for me” attitude? Shouldn’t we be helping these children overcome their obstacles instead adding more?

Please clarify.

Permalink 08/27/07 @ 21:49

Comment from: sassyadoptee [Member]

I believe that the blogger stated what was the point. She stated the difference between having empathy and giving a "free" ride due to the children's circumstances. We are the ones that need to help these children to cope with life. So many people use the excuse their life is bad, and we ALL have the ability to change our lives. We have choices!! We have the resources to make those choices. We are not doing these children any favors by letting them slide if we don't make them learn in school and show them they are responsible for their actions. Teachers and the like have a responsibility to teach this child, to prepare them to reach their potential, and show them someone cares about them. This blog wasn't directed at CPS or whatever you directed it to. It would do you a world of good if you would address her point and not your own agenda.

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 12:45

Comment from: Qiana [Member]

I agree with the blog completely. It isn't beneficial to make the kid out to be a victim. Yes it is damaging to be ripped from your home but its also got to be pretty damaging to sit at home for days with nothing to eat and not knowing where your drug addicted mother is. DCFS gets it wrong sometimes but overall they are just trying to help. Did we forget that it costs the state money to have these kids in foster care whereas leaving them in poverty is free? Here is la county drugs are the major cause for kids in foster care. The problem isn't getting any better. I don't treat my foster kids as victims, I tell them that they are smart and special and that their moms love them but are sick and unable to care for them. We move past that stuff and work on making them feel like other kids and not have the stigma of being a foster kid.

Permalink 09/08/07 @ 23:27

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